This Can’t Be Stressed Enough
This Can't Be Stressed Enough is for Black and Brown moms raising children on the autism spectrum.
The loneliness. The fierce love. The nights full of questions and no answers. The world doesn’t get it. But we do.
Host Jade Marie knows what it’s like to advocate, be dismissed, and feel yourself slip away. This podcast is your space to breathe, to be heard, and to let go of the pressure to be perfect.
Every episode is honest, real, and relatable. Discussing the joys, the struggles, and everything in between.
Because when the world doesn’t understand, we understand each other.
This Can’t Be Stressed Enough
The Mom I Became: Redefining Motherhood
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
Eventually, you stop trying to make motherhood look the way you imagined, and start learning what it looks like for you.
In this Season 1 Finale of This Can't Be Stressed Enough, we're discussing what happens when acceptance begins to change the way you see motherhood... and yourself.
My guest, Jameese, opens up about the emotional weight that came with her son's autism diagnosis and the perspective shift that followed. She talks about what it took to find her footing and develop a renewed view on what he can do rather than focusing on what he can't.
There's still honesty about the concerns for his future and wellbeing, but those concerns don't define him. Her story is filled with resilience, optimism, and an incredible belief in her son.
This conversation is about autism acceptance, parenting perspective and redefining motherhood when the picture you once imagined has changed.
About This Podcast:
This Can't Be Stressed Enough Is where Black and Brown Mothers raising children on the autism spectrum come to be heard, understood and validated. Honest conversations about the challenges, the wins, and everything in between.
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Autism isn't just a label. And this isn't just a podcast. It's real conversations for moms who need it. So let's get started. Hi, and welcome back to another episode of This Can't Be Stressed Enough. I'm your host, Jade Marie. And for today's episode, I want to take a look back over the past several episodes. Honestly, I am quite proud to say that I think that we've come a very, very long way. A lot of the topics that we've discussed have been quite heavy in nature, I will admit. Some of them have been emotionally triggering, but like I've said before in the past, they are discussions that are necessary, especially within our community. These are things that as moms, we really need to be talking about. They really have taken us through a lot of what we experience as far as the day-to-day and just navigating advocacy. I mean, if you really do think about it, just take a step back and think. We started from the very beginning with the signs in episode one and how oftentimes we can doubt what we see. Even if it's right in front of us, we find ourselves sometimes questioning whether what we're noticing is even there. And then after that, we dove straight into the journey to a diagnosis and how scary and nerve-wracking that can be. Then we added on the additional layer of how for some of us, including myself, we have to fight just to get our children the services that they need. And then we talked about the importance of a community with Carolina and the Ali Foundation and the fact that there are programs out there that are like hers, which are aimed at helping families get the support and access to autism testing without waiting an absurd amount of time just to get any type of resources. Then in the previous episode, we were extremely vulnerable in our conversation about what acceptance looks like as a mom. The doubt, the self-blame, the fears, and all of these other complex feelings that just come along with it. And that particular conversation sets the tone for where I want to take things today. We will be discussing what motherhood looks like now that reality has set in. Because at this point, you've either accepted it or at least you're kind of working your way through it. And then you arrive at a point where you're feeling like, okay, what do I do now? And speaking honestly here, I can't say that I'm the same person I was before all of this started. That journey and and everything that we have discussed, everything that we've talked about over the past four episodes, it changed me. I have permanently rewired like my my way of thinking, the way that I move and the way that I view the world in general, it's just different. And that's why this feels like a really good landing spot, at least for me, to discuss what redefining motherhood looks like. What does it look like now that your perspective has shifted? What has changed about the way that you see yourself and even what you consider to be quote unquote a good mom? And I believe that this is a really fitting way to close out our first season of This Can't Be Stressed Enough. Because this part of our story isn't the end. Acceptance and what comes after, just like in life, is only the beginning. There's still so much of what comes after, including figuring out who you are and who you are becoming as a person. So, with that being said, my guest today is a great person to have this conversation with. We connected recently within the past week or so, and it felt as if we kind of just clicked right away. You know, I found myself relating so much to what she had to say as a mom, her perspective, and then just the way that she talks about her experiences really they they really hit home for me. And I have a feeling that a lot of you would be able to relate to her too. So today I am joined by Jamise, and we're talking about the mom I became. So, Jamise, thank you so much for joining me today.
SPEAKER_01Thank you. I appreciate this opportunity to kind of walk this journey with you today.
SPEAKER_00All right. So before we get started, um before we kind of get into who you are now as a woman and as a mom, I would like to go back a little bit. And if you feel comfortable, I would like for you to share parts of your journey that led you to where you are now. What looks different than you originally thought it would? And how did the process of acceptance go for you?
SPEAKER_01Those are good questions. Um being in this journey for 16 years now, and our last conversation kind of had me playing a movie in my head of kind of how did I get to this place? And to share with you, you know, as a mother, and for me, I'm a tomboy. So when God gave me a son, I was like, oh, I am loved. And so, and being able to do all the things, the sports, the, you know, um grooming him, um, and then having to the opportunity, because I'm a daddy's girl, be able to name him after my father and teach him kind of all the things that uh my parents have um taught me. I was excited for motherhood. And, you know, my child when he came out, he was perfect. And I think all mothers say that, right? And you know, the 10 you count the you know, 10 fingers, 10 toes, facial expressions, staying up so you make sure they're breathing and and doing kind of those milestones in your life. And then one day, um there is a change, and the change was um no more eye contact, doing repetitive motion, flapping arms, not making those those sounds, the bubbling sounds, and all that type of stuff that you read in your books, and then you're going to your doctor, and your doctor's saying he's just a boy, so he's delayed, but you feel something in your spirit, you feel something in your heart that something is wrong, and you're asking questions and you're not getting answers. And unfortunately, being an African-American and you don't have a doctor who identifies with you, um, it's another sometimes a stumbling block in that because you feel that you're not being heard.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_01So now you're scrambling, you're researching. And back then, autism um was not a known phenomenon per se as it is now. I mean, so it was taboo. So you had your stars, like the you know, Jenny McCarthy and Tony Braxton and right, you know, um Holly Robinson Pete mentioning stuff, but you didn't think that would happen to you. Right. Um, but it did. And so, and and when I took a stance and changed his pediatrician, and we went through the testing and um and they said, autism. And for me, when our autism, I started crying. Yeah, because I felt that it was a death sentence for my son. I felt that I I have a cousin who um has intellectual disabilities, and I looked at her life and I said, he will never enjoy the fullness of life that he would, you know, there there, he would have to always have this caregiver. He wouldn't be, um, he would just be handicapped. I just went to the extreme.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Then I started looking at myself. What did I do? What did I drink? What did I eat? Did I stress? Did I, you know, then I started looking at his father. What did you do? Yeah, I you know, I didn't do my request in your family, right? Yeah, you know, all that type of stuff. This and in my family, Lynn, you know, so all of the things, and um, and so then you get to a point, Jay, that you start uh trying to fix, and you try to um tinker and you're throwing everything but the kitchen sink to fix this person. And you're getting, like you said, um, in your opening, you're you're getting diagnoses and you're getting doctors and you're getting all of the things that you're supposed to get, and even then some. And for my journey, you know, they said my son wouldn't talk, they said he wouldn't hit certain milestones, they said he was intellectual dis had an intellectual disability. Um, and and I'm like, whoa, yeah, what is this? Yeah, and and so and and spending you know thousands and thousands of dollars to have someone kind of tell you their perspective of your child. And so having to deal with that, going to mini sessions, and because we were working parents by myself and having to hear those harsh realities of these quote unquote professionals telling me what my son could not do. But then I've been brought brought up to you cry for a moment and then you pick up your bootstraps and you figure out what's going on. Absolutely, and so it kind of fast forward. Um I just I had to be still, I had to see what my son could do. And so I had to create a network for him. I had to make mistakes and be okay that I made mistakes, yeah, that there is victory on the other side. And so when I started doing that, um I start he started hitting milestones, he started talking at seven, you know, he was potty trained at 10 months, he started walking at 12 months. I said, okay, we got some momentum. Right. And so then, you know, he went to school and then we're you know doing all the things about school. And then now we fast forward into teenage years, but I'm gonna pause there because it is definitely a journey, not just for the child, for the parents. And it's the acceptance, yes, the acceptance is the diagnosis, but the acceptance is am I good enough or did I do this to my child? Right. Versus this is what life has given me. I'm a spiritual person. God gave me this journey, and He trusted me to raise his strongest soldier. So why is that? And so I have to figure out the why versus not necessarily acceptance, but how can I get him to his full potential, whatever that may be? So yeah, most definitely. So with that, um, and Jay, you gotta let me know when to stop because you know I no, you're good. You talk you talk.
SPEAKER_00I'm listening. I know I don't like being that podcast host that's like, oh wait, wait, wait, you said this, let me cook.
SPEAKER_01You gotta let me okay, okay.
SPEAKER_00I was like, girl, you know I can talk, so I know, and I am listening to every bit, every single bit. Okay. How so tell me how has how have the teenage years been in comparison to those early years for you?
SPEAKER_01I think for me, and then the journey I'll be honest and vulnerable with this is that it's a comparison because of the fact that autism has kind of grown, grew into this. I don't even know what it grew is growing into. We got levels to this now. We got, you know, level, are you level one? Are you level two? Are you this? Are you that? And so sometimes I feel that I have I have to stop myself to compare. You know, I have he has friends who have different abilities that quote unquote, if you look at them, you know, they're it they don't look like they're on a spectrum.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_01And they're achieving more. I, you know, they can do more. And so I I get anxiety about certain things that I see kids that are even younger, that's 13, because it's friends about 12, 13, 14, 15, and they are achieving more. Um, and he sometimes at a stand still. And so, you know, having those dreams of college, right? Having those dreams of my son is 5'8, 5'9, 215 pounds. I just knew I had a football player and I was ready to go. Right. You know, I had all the things ready, and that's not what it is. So I had to pivot and learn tennis, I had to pivot and learn powerlifting, I had to pivot and do the things that he could do. I had to pivot and, as you say, get to their level and be okay that this is his journey, right? And be okay that his journey is different from others. And it's been a struggle because now my anxiety is being over 40 and being that, you know, okay, so what's what's plan B if he doesn't go to college? Right. What's plan C if he can't have a job that's making $65,000, $75,000? Plan that, you know, if he needs care or so, what is that looking like for him? And so that's kind of what I'm dealing with now of, you know, he's in a private school and you know, occupational diplomas and life skill, you know, places. And these services are not for the cheap.
SPEAKER_00Right. Having autism is, I mean, it's not cheap, it's it's very expensive. And a lot of people don't understand that, you know, especially if you're not privileged enough to have like really good insurance as well. Yes, good grief. And even with insurance, it's a matter of, oh, you have to reach your deductible in certain cases and out-of-pocket cost, and it's it's a lot.
SPEAKER_01It is. And if you're a parent like me, I'm I'm I'm a person where I see my son has an interest in something, it's I get tutors and private lessons, and I just throw it, I throw him in that. And then we if he don't like it, then we pivot to something else. You know, he's learning how to cook. So he he gets getting private lessons for cooking. So, you know, he gets private lessons for tennis because he's a very good tennis player. So, you know, all these different things. My son has had a massage before I did. So he gets, you know, all the things. Um because, like I share with you and I share with others, I look at my son as an LLC. And I'm gonna put him in the position to be successful for whatever success looks for him. And because of the fact that he needs additional assistance, I want to make sure that he has that. And I'm not going to limit him or allow anyone else to limit him because of his skin color and because of who he is as a person. Um, I will work three or four jobs and I have to get him the level of care and the level of services that is denied to people of color. Um, and so we're constantly advocating, it's hard enough in motherhood, especially when you are a mother of a child of color, and knowing that society has already kind of tried to dictate path of a pipeline to the prison system. Um, and so you're already battling against that. And then you have this level of I call autism his superpower. And because if you look at that and I digress, Einstein said that he had autism, he was brilliant. You know, you have so many people in history who has been um labeled autistic, who has created things. Oh, yes. It's you know, it's limitless of what um that superpower can do. Um, he got Shirts Galore taught he is my superman. Um, and so with that being said, knowing that and knowing that there's already hurdles, he has to jump, I'm knocking those down.
SPEAKER_00Absolutely.
SPEAKER_01And so teenage years has been interesting. You know, he's he he can he share his thoughts and things in that nature, but dealing with hormones, dealing with he has um, I was a rebellious kid, and so I'm reaping what I sow. And I, you know, and he can't actually, my son is sneaky, slick in the sense of he knows what he's saying, and then he'll fall back into autism. So, what I mean by that, he knows autism. We talk about it, he knows what he has a superpower, he knows that he's different, he knows that um he knows what he's stemming, he knows what his stemming looks like, he knows his quirks. I can tell him if he's stimmy and it's in that appropriate place, hey Michael, you're STEMmy. And he knows, okay, I gotta stop, I gotta, I gotta calm myself down. He knows I never sugarcoated his superpower.
SPEAKER_00And I love that. I do the same for my son. Self-identification, because I don't want anybody to be able to tell him something about himself that he doesn't already know. Because I feel like when you have that power over someone, you can manipulate it, and your child may not be getting accurate information. Absolutely, and it and it also gives them a sense of empowerment. You know, I speak life over my son. Autism is not a bad thing. You have this, yes, but this is not who you are. And I say that to him all the time. We talk about what autism is, we talk about as far as like, does he have any negative feelings? Because I want to know. I want to know what he's thinking and how he feels. Because if he has anything surrounding any feelings surrounding autism that are negative, I want to reshape that and warp that because I don't want him internalizing that. So I I agree with you 100% on that.
SPEAKER_01I agree. I think society has controlled our narrative so much of who we are, um, motherhood and reshaping, reshaping that thought of what motherhood is. You know, when you when you become a mother, you never think, you know, how do you prioritize OT? Yeah. And how do you sometimes have to think what you can't just tell your child? You have to come up with creative ways, yes, how to communicate. You do. Or uh to think that you have to eat French fries five days a week. Um, you know, noodles, yes, all of that, you know. And then with us or with MJ's journey, um, you know, he we put him a very strict dietary um diet where there's he doesn't eat any soy, he doesn't partake in any um wheat and dairy because we want to make sure his, you know, his gut and um no dye. So when we started um that journey, that was gluten-free wasn't really heard of. And we were living in California, and supposedly California is one of the most healthiest quote unquote states there is, and it was a journey, and then when we found something, five things would cost us $200. And so we had to, and as you know, growing boys or something. Oh, yes, yes, you know, so having that, and then when I moved here to the the Carolinas, you know, we we're in the south, and so we got the vegetable oil and all the things, you know, bacon grease, bacon grease, your fried chicken, yeah, you know, all the things. I'm like, oh my goodness. And so we had to, and then he's he's a he he's become Aware of these differences and these and it's really hard to navigate. But again, we have taught him to hey, this is your dietary restriction. So he'll tell a person in a heartbeat, no, I can't have that.
SPEAKER_00Good.
SPEAKER_01Um, and so, but to navigate and find food, quality food for him, because I believe that the things that you put in your body does impact how you receive information and how you do things. So um, and you know, vitamins, you know, I uh so avid of vitamins and um we've done uh what is it, chronoscopical massages where they massage the brain because I had to have a C-section because he didn't fit in the canal. And so, and then, you know, like I said, he gets a stretch every week, you know. So those things to make sure that he reaches his full potential, but to get back to that self-identification, I want him to know that he is just as good as, if not better, um, than his peers. I want him to walk into the room and I appreciate that. I want him to walk into the room and know that you are good enough. And he has a mantra, and then so he says that mantra. Um, and I apologize, I can't remember it because I got too much on my head. But he knows that he knows that he is love, he knows that he is um the apple of my eye. He knows that mom is going to work her butt off and do all the things. And uh, my son doesn't even care about clothes, but he got 20 pairs of Jordans, so that's the same thing over here.
SPEAKER_00My AJ is the same way. My my mother will buy him all sorts of like Nike this, Nike that, the shirts and stuff, and he will wear the same ninja turtle outfits.
SPEAKER_01Yes, same thing, same thing. My son will wear the same thing over and over again, and he'll wear these pumas that needs to be thrown away. So uh are some sliding because he don't want to tie the shoes, so he I give him slidings. Uh, but I will say this, and I don't know if you have this challenge, Jay, is that I think I'm I'm getting to a stage of life where cutting the cord of trusting that the knowledge that you're putting into your child, um, that they are able to do it. I find myself sometimes, and and my um my brother, my my father, and other men in his network group or my network group was like, you do it all. And it's because of a fear of failure. And so I don't know if you have experience or you experienced it. I know your child's a little bit younger, AJ is a little bit younger, but I don't know if you're experiencing like you don't want him to necessarily feel that failure yet.
SPEAKER_00That is something that I struggle with. Because kind of like you, it's a sephere failure. There is like a motor in me that is like I have to do this. It's like I don't know if it's like an instinct or what. And I tying it back to like it, it took me six years to get him diagnosed because of just racial bias and other things, stereotype stuff like that. But I would not give up. Like I took it personal, like, yes, he needed the resources, yes, this, but how dare you tell me what I'm seeing in my child is wrong when I know what I'm seeing? So I I apply that with even him. Like I have to make sure that it and it's hard because he is still young and he processes things differently. That is a very, very good question. That is all I will say, I don't think we're there yet. Okay, but it is always a concern. That is always a concern for me.
SPEAKER_01Always so I had an interesting, it was an interesting exercise per se, that I didn't even think about it. But so my my brother's son, and he's a he's a family friend that I've known for long. So we we kind of grew up or adopted each other as brother and sister, and his son came um to visit. And his son, my son is two weeks older than him. Okay, and so what was interesting, I got two 16-year-olds in my home. And you can see the difference, right? And what I mean, and what's so interesting, he has AIP, and so I had comparison of what a I guess a 16-year-old can do.
SPEAKER_00Right, yeah.
SPEAKER_01And so as I'm looking, like um my nephew, he was able to cook, and my son could cook, he can cook your basic noodles and things in that nature, but yeah, you know, um my nephew was cooking tacos and breakfast. Uh my son knocking on my door at nine o'clock in the morning. Can you cook me breakfast? So I was like, oh, you need to adopt your uh breakfast because I'm sorry, I'm tired. But it was, you know, or the um, you know, taking out the trash or those type of things. And so it was a it was a very interesting comparison to me, and I know my son can do those things, but it's such a fear of him having him experience loss or failure or disappointment in himself, or it's easier for me to just do, right?
SPEAKER_00You know, that is something that I have to tell myself because I think ultimately we are trying to get our boys to get to a point where they're functioning on their own. Yeah, you know, and you've mentioned this word and you've mentioned other situations where I think this word kind of falls in is comparison. Yeah. And every time I hear the word comparison, I think comparison is the thief of joy. But it's hard when you're in a situation like we are, when it just comes up. Yes. And I do believe that it is natural. I think what you do with comparison afterwards is what counts the most. Yes. So for AJ, it's one of those things. Same thing with you. I will watch other kids his age or even younger, where I'm seeing them doing things that he should be doing by now. And that comparison or that kind of like grief type feeling comes up. And and these are even kids kind of like you who have IEPs as well. And then I have to understand, like, okay, well, autism is just a broad way of describing different things that are going on. Like that kid's executive functioning may not be the same as AJ's, or AJ may be better off with being able to communicate because I've been told before, oh, he can he can talk, he's good, but you don't know the fact that he couldn't talk up until he was four. Yeah. You know, so there's so many different pieces and variables that go into what makes up autism. And I have to remind myself, and it's hard in that moment when you're seeing another kid that is the same age, their peers that are just doing those expectations, you know, especially when you're trying to push them and guide them to be self-sufficient in the future.
SPEAKER_01And so I I guess that my question in as you go through your journey, and what I am experiencing now is of where does the ability start and the autism necessarily stop? And what I mean by that is sometimes I think that we are so engrossed with the autism diagnosis that we forget sometimes that we still have a child. Right. And and that that child can do. And but we're so at least for me, I was so concentrating on the autism or the spectrum part of it, and not challenging him to see what he can do because of the failure. I did not want him to fail. And so now my son is at this age and he can't he can do a lot, right? But because he knows mom will do it, he plays the game. Uh, my son is a great manipulator. I just he is, he's great at it. I'm not going, but he has taught me some things, and so, but, but I think I'm struggling with or trying to not struggling with, but you know, struggling with uh not allowing him to use his superpower as a crutch. And me too.
SPEAKER_00Okay. Yeah, no, that that I I I understand exactly what you're saying. And kind of to answer your question, I don't think I ever get it a hundred percent right. Okay, I think we have moments, especially with me, where it kind of ebbs and flows. Okay, there are moments when I'm like, okay, he has autism, he can't really do this as well. But then I'm seeing him do other things, and I'm like, nope, nope, Jade, we're not gonna limit him. We're not gonna limit him. And then I kind of overcorrect. Yes. And then I'm over on this other side, and I'm like, well, maybe he can't quite do that, but let me try to push him. But I don't want to push him too much. It's always kind of like a balance, yes, that I feel like I'm never really, it's never really equal on each side. So it's just one of those things where I feel like I'm just constantly progressing, I'm noticing his strengths, noticing his weaknesses, giving him that space to try. And I think that part about what you said as far as failing, it's hard, even if our children were neurotypical, watching them fail is hard. Yes, it is hard, and it's even more so with us because, like you said, you don't want them to compare themselves, you don't want them to think less of themselves. But I'm trying to give him space to fall. I'm trying to give him space to fall and be able to pick himself back up, but use me as a step, as a step stool, as a crutch if need be. But I want to try, I'm trying now more than ever because middle school is coming up and good grief. I am unfair about there there are gonna be certain things that I'm not gonna be there for, you know, and he's gotta learn them at least when they're right in front of him to navigate on his own.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_00So it's it's just a constant balancing act. I feel like that. I just and I with me, I feel like I'm never really getting anything 100% right. And I think that's just the the hyper focused part of me that's just like I gotta do this, I gotta do this, I gotta do this. But it's just one of those things that I'm just striving towards, just trying to find a balance.
SPEAKER_01Absolutely, and I'll be honest with you, you never will. Yeah, yeah, you never will. I mean, I think if you like you said, if they even if he was neurotypical, you will still try to remove the roadblocks, right? You know, and so I think, like you said, a hyper focused because of the superpower, um, even more so we want to limit disappointment because we know society is going to present disappointment. Right. And you know, also too, when you get to that teenage years, and and with my son being 16, you know, and kind of shared with you before is that um it I think society still believes this the spectrum or autism is a kid diagnosis.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_01And so because of the lack of resources, because of the fact that there is not space um for people who have these superpowers to be a well-rounded adult, we're still piecing together kind of this game plan. Yeah. Um, and um, and beyond it, it's it's it's money in the intervention. There's money in um, you know, basically because parents are like, we're gonna throw everything at it to solve this problem. If you can't solve it, then okay, what's next? It's most likely institutions. Or are you, you know, I have I have had peers who kind of stop their job and stop their lives and and just concentrating on that child or their children or whatever the pro you know situation is. And so that is now my struggle. And then also too, just giving you real numbers, you know, my it, my son's tuition is $24,000. Thankfully, their scholarships knocked it down to $10,000. Yeah, I have to pay that for the next three years. So that there is, then you have bridge program, that's another $20,000, $20,000 to $30,000. Then if you want to put put a have the experience of college, that's $30,000 to $450,000 a year. So that's not one time, that's a year.
SPEAKER_00And then that's on top of anything like additional services, anything else you're doing to support your child. Yes.
SPEAKER_01Yes, absolutely. So, and it it and it's and also too, I you have to battle, like I told you, kind of my son is that now they're gonna look at him. He's not gonna be the teddy bear anymore. He's gonna be looked at as a grown man. So, how do we navigate that? How do we, you know, how do I have the police look at him? Or go into the store, or, you know, or a person or an employer look at that. My dissertation is on. How do we tap into um this community? We don't do a good job. I'm in HR. We do not good do a good job of recruiting and finding this type of talent, right? And grooming this type of talent because we look at it as a hindrance or a problem versus looking at their strength and saying, hey, this person, if you give them instructions of what to do, they can do that, they can navigate. Um, we don't tap into that. And so we're gonna always be the first in something. You know, we're gonna always be the innovator in something. So I'm gonna take this time to commend you to taking the courage or having the courage to to, you know, to give us space to listen, to give us space to think, to give us space to even question this journey that we're on as Black mothers.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And so I appreciate that. I shared you with all my friends because we all have the same questions, we all have the same worries, we all have we praise each other. And so you need that community. The biggest success or the biggest kind of um lesson that I have learned from this is two things is that I'm not alone, that we are a community and we are a mighty community. And the second thing is it's not a death sentence, and I know that extreme, but yeah, I'm gonna share this and I should I share this all the time. People ask me, they say you're a good mom. And I are cringed at that at times because that's what I was supposed to be. And people who know me know the sacrifices that I've made, you know, working three or four jobs to get resources. I was um diagnosed with um what is called um basically I had a um a stroke at a young age where I was, you know, and I had to a lot of things medical, I had to overcome.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_01I had to overcome a divorce. I had to overcome a whole bunch of kind of kind of struggles.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_01Um, but I will say, but God. And and what I also will say is I don't look at this as yes, this is something I have to do, but I look at it more so as such a re a reward for me. My son is the Moses in this story. My son is the leader in this story, my son is the person who impacts people, my son is the person who share it, um, you know, give joy. One of the biggest compliments that I received about my son is that he has so much empathy. They've never met a child that has so much empathy for another person. My son, you know, um, can walk in a room and and out of nowhere, and I've seen it for people, he'll say, you know, how's your day? And are you okay? And they are taken back from it. Yeah. I've seen him, kids who fallen down and kids will walk past him and he'll stop and say, Are you okay? How can I help you? And so seeing those things, all I am is if you know anything about the biblical story of Moses, he stuttered and uh you know had a speech impediment. But for whatever reason, God tapped on the shoulder to lead peoples, to lead a nation. But he had Aaron to be his voice, and I'm just my son's voice, but he's leading this. Yeah, I'm just I'm just a conduit of what God has led him to be. And so it's the journey, the reward is not me getting praise, the reward is that my son is viewed as a two things, a man of God's own heart, and then two, that he is just a servant to people in his own community, own in his just own right, and I just help him with that. And so if I could leave anyone with this message that keeps going, it is rewarding at the end. The milestones that you see is awesome. It makes me feel like a kid again because I can see it through his eyes, right? The excitement of things, joy of things, of we, I think neurotypical people, we take things for granted.
SPEAKER_00Yes.
SPEAKER_01And just I remember when my son tied his shoes for the first time.
SPEAKER_00I have a story like that too.
SPEAKER_01Yep. You know, on my, you know, or turned on, or I I have, you know, or I remember when my son could brush, you know, was able to brush his teeth, yeah, or identify how to put on some clothes, or just the simple things of um, it was crazy. It was it was um him scratching his head. It was just as crazy as that makes you sound.
SPEAKER_00But no, like it and it may sound crazy to a parent of a neurotypical child, but for us, the small things are major wins. Yes, they are, and I don't think I don't think a lot of people on the outside looking at, I don't think they they really realize that, you know. So, and let me ask you this, because I hear you you're so passionate and you speak so much life, and you talk about what how you really feel, but then there's this sense of positivity that a lot of us have to kind of work towards. So, outside of being a mom, outside of everything that you do for your son, how has your story, how has this journey changed you as a woman? What are some things that you have learned? How have things changed? What is different about Jamise?
SPEAKER_01I was selfish.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_01I was a I'll just I want to keep it real with you. I was a selfish human being who only cared about. Myself. And when I say even though I was a servant, but what I mean is that I didn't, I was a no nonsense. If it didn't make sense to me, please leave me alone, you know, type of person. And my son taught me humility. My son taught me that you can have all the degrees. You can come from the best family. You can have all the money. You can have whatever life deemed as success. And does not prepare you for this journey. It humbled me as a person. It humbled me that I was no better that because I got all the things being a spoiler bread as a child, that I was not immune to this, this alternative journey society doesn't build, you know, prepare us for. And so as a woman, it has changed me twofold. I think it has changed me. I am a servant more so than ever. I take that very seriously. Being into the Special Olympics community, I coach. I coach basketball. That's my passion. So I coach basketball. And so I have to, there's a different patient level that I have to do and be.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_01You know, because I know this sport very, because I know basketball very well. You know, my expectation level when I first got in, I was like, I was coaching them like they were college, you know, like you know, I'm you of them. So like you of them, and and they looked at me crazy. And so I have to figure out ways to how to communicate. I had to, I had to broaden my horizon of how to listen and um and be quiet and still listen for the sake of understanding, not listening to respond. I had to learn to um be okay with the lesson and learning the lesson and learning the lesson over and over again sometime. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I had to, yep, yeah. I had to, I was an angry person. Um, and um too growing up because of things that happened, even though I had a great childhood, but there were things that happened in my childhood that activated a sense of anger that had a uh I had a temper. Um, and I couldn't do that to my child. I couldn't, I couldn't have that temper with my child. My son would be like, what's wrong with you? Right. You know, and MJ has a discernment of if he doesn't like, if he can, if your spirit isn't right, he's not messing with you. And so knowing that of my son and knowing that, you know, this kind and gentle spirit that I had to redirect my anger. But I will tell you this as you get older, and as your child gets older, the struggle I have now is separating myself as the mom of the super, you know, superpower versus just being Jamise. And so I need, I need to, and it's a humongous struggle for me. What does that look like for me? Because I claim life and I when I over my son that he'll be independent, he'll be able to live this life, he will have a full journey, his own journey that he will navigate without me. And so when that day comes when he's ready to take manhood and and his Michael journey, his MJ journey, um, and say, Mom, I don't, you know, you I don't want you to hang out with me anymore. Yeah, what does that look like? And I am scared to death uh because my son is my broke best friend, and we travel together, we do all the things together, and um, I don't know what that looks like, and my friends have really been challenging me um to explore that, you know, being a divorcee, um, and it didn't it, I guess, put me in a situation where I had an opportunity to probably over-exert myself or over, like you said, be that overbearing mom. Yeah, and doing that because I didn't have a person to kind of pass those. We didn't delegate, I couldn't delegate certain things anymore. And so now it was all on me. And yes, I have a network, uh, but nevertheless, the burden or the success or however you want to put it is on me. Absolutely. So I absorb that and I licked jokingly, I always say, my son is the LLC. And so if you want a successful LLC, if you want a successful podcast, you have to put in the work, you have to put in the hours. Yep, and that's what I did. And sometimes you forsake other things because you want this this whatever entity to come off the ground, you do, friendships, relationships, things like that. It it happens, it happens, and you know, and so I have sacrificed myself, Jamise, for the betterment of my child, and so now that is the next thing in my life of what does that look like once MJ becomes a man? So that's the evolution of me now, okay, as a woman. That is like you said before in your beginning, opening, autism is not who that child is, it's just a part of that child, right? Right. So me being an autism mom is not who I am, it's just a front of my journey. Exactly. And so how do you separate that? Exactly, and that's where I'm at right now.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that that describes me as well. 100%. And I think you you mentioned as far as him being your broke best friend, and you know, when he goes off and he's not gonna want to be around you as much. I can imagine that that's gonna be so bittersweet. Because once he gets to that point, that means he doesn't need you as much. That means what you did, all of that time and effort and work, all the things that you instilled in him and poured into him, they paid off. It worked. Yes. He's gotten to a point where he doesn't need you anymore. So you have to, we have to, as mothers, once it gets to that point, figure out even more of who we are. So I think that is that is kind of like the basis of this episode is as a woman, as a mom, figuring out who we are. And I honestly believe just based off of speaking to you, especially within this segment, that constantly evolved. That's constantly changing depending on your needs and the needs of your child. And you know, we're we're not the same person we were 10 years ago. We're not gonna be the same person 10 years from now. That is just something that's gonna continue to evolve and change, and and that's it's just a process. So that that makes plenty of sense. Absolutely. Plenty of sense. Well, Jamise, I really, really enjoyed this conversation with you. Uh, that was a lot of very sound and heartfelt information that I can relate to a whole lot. A whole lot. Everything you said, parts of it I related to, and the dialogue, the back and forth, the the questions that you asked me made me think. Girl, you made me ask me thinking. I was supposed to be asking you questions, you're asking me questions. But a lot of the questions that I was gonna ask you, you hit on. I didn't even have to ask. So I really, really enjoyed this. It was a lot of information. I think of a lot of other moms. This is a positive side to autism that I don't think we get to see a lot of. You know, you hear a lot of the my child can't, my child won't, he can't. But you spoke a lot of my child will. That's the one thing I heard, will, he does, he can, speaking life into him. So I really, really thank you for coming on today.
SPEAKER_01Likewise, like I said before, just a pleasure to be in this environment, to be in this realm of you and us and connecting us together, um, and being able to kind of sit with our thoughts and know um we're not alone, that what we're thinking is not crazy. Exactly. What we're going through is not, you know, it's actually is the norm. And so um, and then also too that we can lean on each other um to know that there is a rainbow on the other side. Whatever that rainbow looks like, we might have different colors, but it is on the other side. And I I'll leave you with this is that um the greatest joy I have is being in this community. Although I didn't ask for it, but it has opened up eyes' doors to meet people like you and others that I probably would have never met before. Right. I probably would have turned a blind eye to it. Um, and I am so thankful that God humbled me enough and chose me to raise this superpower, this superhero with this superpower. Um, and to meet mothers like yourself who are raising superheroes. Um, because we know we band together and we know when when we get it together, no one can stop us. Oh, absolutely. Which means no one's gonna be able to stop our our kids.
SPEAKER_00Absolutely, absolutely, of course, and thank you, and thank you to all of you that are listening today. This is going to conclude the first season of This Can't Be Stressed Enough. And for everyone who has supported through this season, regardless of if you shared or liked or however you support in whatever way, it means the world to me. I have put a lot of my heart and sweat and energy into being able to connect with so many amazing moms this season, which has probably been one of my favorite parts of this podcast. I plan to take probably a month or two off just to kind of regroup and prepare for season two, especially with back to school happening, which has already kind of consisted of like chaos and IAP meetings, 504s. It's just been a lot, but there are a lot of things that I do want to talk about in the next season. And I want to be intentional in making sure that I'm bringing you conversations that are worth your time. So season two, plan on it being amazing. Um, we're gonna be discussing what happens after this, what happens after the beginning. Advocating is gonna be one of them, advocating in the school system, a big one that I am looking forward to, IEP meetings. Um, we're gonna kind of dive into like interpersonal relationships, marriages, family dynamics, single parenthood, and a lot of the things that kind of just come along with raising your children once you're past this initial chapter. So there's a lot in store, and I cannot wait to get into it with you within the next month or so. So in the meantime, please make sure you're taking care of yourselves. And I'll see you in season two. Until next time. Thank you for letting me share this with you. If you need more conversations like this, subscribe so that you're here for the next one. And if you know a mom who needs to hear this, send it her way. See you next month.
