IEP Hell

Have you ever walked into an IEP meeting with a pit in your stomach, already bracing yourself for a confrontation you never wanted to have?  Because I have.

In this episode, I'm taking us back to one of the worst IEP meetings I've ever experienced.

When your child doesn't feel safe at school, you'd think that would be enough to get everyone's attention. But when you're dealing with bullying, unsafe situations, and and an IEP that may not be getting followed the way it should... eventually enough is enough 

We're touching on preparing for IEP meetings, education advocacy, documenting concerns, school safety, and some of the more controversial conversations around IEP's and advocacy. 

Advocating for your child should never be a fight. You walk into that room looking for solutions, hoping that everyone is willing to figure things out with you. But when you're met with a wall of defensiveness.... that's when the entire conversation changes.

So, welcome to IEP Hell. 

About This Podcast: 

This Can't Be Stressed Enough Is where Black and Brown Mothers raising children on the autism spectrum come to be heard, understood and validated. Transparent conversations about the highs, the lows, and everything in between. 

Share Your Story

Have a story to share? A question on your mind? A topic that should be covered? My inbox is open. Send me DM or Email

Lets Talk🤎

Lets Connect:

TikTok: @thiscantbestressedenough

Instagram: @thiscantbestressed

Email: thiscantbestressed@gmail.com

Support The Podcast:

•Leave a review 

• Share with another autism mom who needs to hear it

• Follow us on TikTok or Instagram

Music:

Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!):

https://uppbeat.io/t/light-prism/vision

License code: DAQDN28JE7UWRELL

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Autism isn't just a label, and this isn't just a podcast. It's real conversations for moms who need it. So let's get started. Hello, hello, and welcome to season two of this can't be stressed enough. I'm your host, Jade Marie. And y'all, it's been a little while. Nothing too crazy, not too long, but it has been a little while. Um, I remember saying at the end of season one that I was gonna be taking a bit of a break. I can't remember how long I said that was gonna be, but there was no way in the world that I was gonna step away from this for anything longer than a month or so. I really do enjoy this. The break kind of showed me how much I did because I missed doing this. I missed being a part of this, and I am ready to pick up exactly where we left off for season two. Okay. Now, I do want to give a quick shout-out before we get started. I want to talk to my returning listeners. Welcome back. I thank you so much for sharing the space with me yet again for season two, and thank you for all of your continued support. I do believe that we had an amazing season one. We talked about quite a bit. And um, season two is going to be one of those things that I think you'll be able to relate to quite a bit, right? Also, I want to speak directly to anyone that may be listening for the first time. And if that is you, I want to sincerely welcome you from the bottom of my heart. Um, I do really hope that you enjoy this podcast, although I think you will, because it it is for you. It's for you, it is for me, it is for us to have a space to feel heard and seen without without being judged. You know, as moms who are raising children on the autism spectrum, we go through a lot, you know, we do, we deal with a lot, and we manage a lot every single day. And I've I've said it before, I'll say it again. I don't think anybody gets it quite like we do. And I don't think they ever will. So I wanted to make sure that I was being intentional about creating somewhere for us to go for other moms like us that understand it too. Okay. So again, welcome. I'm excited. And um, the break wasn't long, but it did give me an opportunity to brainstorm quite a bit. And above that, more than that, it gave me an opportunity to kind of recover because my gosh, the first couple weeks of school were so chaotic. And I don't know if it gets any better. Please tell me if it does. Seasoned moms. I consider myself a little bit of a seasoned mom, but if you have like middle schoolers, high schoolers, does it get any better between the campus parent and class dojo? Of course, back to school shopping for supplies and clothes and emails and meetings, and it just seems like so much, especially all at once. And and don't get me wrong, I am enjoying every bit of it because I know how quickly this goes. I know this is just a season, but I do not remember my parents dealing with this much, like as far as keeping up with everything. I don't remember that. I think at most, they would either send, like the teachers would either send like a piece of paper home, you would get a note sent home, or you would get some sort of like, you know how we had those planners back in the day? You would get a a note written in your planner, or worst comes to worst, you would get a call home. And you knew if you got a call home that something was wrong. But yeah, it was not all of this. And between all of that and that like first sickness, that first virus, oh gosh, it was it was a lot. But nevertheless, we are recovered, we are good, and um, we're we're right back at it. I'm ready to get into it. All right. So season one was great. I think we did an amazing job of kind of working through those internal feelings. You know, season one was geared toward those internal uh feelings of processing and exploring what the beginning looks like as an autism mom. We we talked about like the signs and things that we were noticing and whether we were going crazy, we felt like we did, but we weren't. And then we also explored the journey to a diagnosis and how for a lot of moms out there, including myself, it's not easy. You have to fight to get your child the services and the diagnosis that they deserve because sometimes it is not given to them. They either don't get it or they're misdiagnosed, or you know, all of those things. And then we talked about the importance of a community and what acceptance looks like for us as moms and how we have to kind of go through that journey and it looks different for each of us. So we did an incredible job of working through all of that. But now that we're done, what's next? You know, kind of that question of what comes next, and it's motherhood. Motherhood comes next. We do a lot, a whole lot as moms. And when you talk about the everyday, you're talking about all of the things that we have to keep up with, manage, task management, all of that that kind of contributes to that mental load. And I'm talking about therapies, I'm talking about IAP meetings, I'm talking about other meetings, I'm talking about um grocery shopping, I'm talking about managing a household, I'm talking about managing your other children, I'm talking about your marriages or single parenthood, all of these things that aren't quite emphasized that also go into what being a mom and being a woman consists of. And when you add on being an advocate and being a mother to a special needs child, to a child with autism, it's it's it's a lot. You know, some days are a lot. So that is what we're going to be diving into this season. And with that, I have been trying to figure out where I want to start. So I think the most appropriate is IEP meetings. And I say appropriate because I have been waiting so long to talk about these. I have been waiting so long to talk about these meetings. And it is also very fitting because it's the beginning of a new school year. It comes with the territory. You're gonna have to sit through one. So I can't think of any better time to talk about them than now. And anytime I talk about a meeting of that nature, I feel like there is a sense of dread. Not as much, it's not as much now as it used to be, but dread that's like just courses through my body because my goodness. And when I say IEP meetings, there should be some type of like ominous horror music that that plays behind me because that is that is how I feel. That is how I used to feel, and it's a such a strong emotion, you know? And they're one of those things that are not exclusive to just autism. A lot of families that have children that fall within that, uh, within that scope of neurodivergence or disabilities or anything within that realm, they go through it too. But the one thing that I do notice across the board is that those meetings are attached to a lot of different emotions, mostly negative from what I've seen. A lot of them are negative, and they can range from apprehension, dread, like I just said. And the big one for me is is anxiety. Yeah, I would say that is a big one. The amount of times that I have seen videos or talked to other moms, just the other day, I was on TikTok and I saw a mom who had just gotten out of a meeting and she was crying. And I can relate to that because I have experienced the same thing. I've had to rush out of a meeting before and just slam the door behind me just to baw my eyes out out of frustration. So I understand what that looks like and what that feels like, and it sucks because when you look at what an IEP meeting is supposed to do and the structure of it, it is supposed to be a collaborative process, right? It is it's supposed to be keyword. You have yourself, which you're the parent, and then you have anybody that is kind of like working with your child within this IEP. So that can consist of special education teacher, gen ed teacher, you've got occupational therapists, speech pathologists, OT, you've got a psychologist, you've got all of these people who are on one team and y'all are coming together to make sure that your child is getting access in whatever way that looks like the accommodations, the goals, the minutes, all of that, to an education that they're supposed to be getting. But why more often than not does it not go that way? Why does it seem like the process is so hard? And why does it seem like the parents are usually the ones that are walking out of there with so much frustration? And don't get me wrong, I don't want to just speak the negative because not all IEP meetings are bad. You know, I can speak to that myself. The IEP team that my son has now, they are incredible, superb. I love them. You know, we're at the point now because we know each other, they know us, they know AJ, that after the meetings, especially if we finish up really early, we can just sit and chop it up. Like we're talking, we're laughing lightheartedly. They'll bring up something that happened during the day and your son did this. And I'm just like, yeah, it sounds like him. And then, you know, if something on my end that I need to bring up comes up and I'm just like, yeah, I'm noticing this is going on at home. Just be on the lookout at school. They'll, they'll be like, okay, yeah, we'll be on the lookout, or, you know, we're we're noticing that too. And that is how it's supposed to be. But when I tell you we had to go through crap just to get to that point, so when I say I truly appreciate his team, it is because I do not take it for granted, because I know what the other side of that looks like. Between moving cities, moving states, switching schools, all of that just to get to this point. Some of the IEP meetings that I sat through were just flat out traumatic, which is exactly what I plan on talking to you about today. I am excited about this one. This episode is called IEP Hell. And I believe that it is appropriately titled, I do, because I'm going to be speaking with you about the worst IEP meeting that I have ever sat through. Okay. So before we get into the nitty-gritty, um I want to make you aware of the fact that, like, this was not one of those IEP meetings that I just called and said, hey, I want to discuss some things, and then it went left. That was not the case. There were some egregious things that were going on leading up to this. And um, the amount of times that I've had to either speak with someone or talk with someone or meet with someone, and things were not getting solved, it was outrageous. So just know that there were three major things that happened leading up to this meeting that caused it to be the meeting from hell. And I'm going to dive into that as well. But I don't want to talk too much into it. Number one, because some of this stuff was so crazy that it could be a whole nother episode on its own. And then two, I just don't want to go on a tangent because I can. Like that is how that is how passionate I am about speaking on this episode. So bear with me, bear with me. I'm gonna do my best to kind of make sure you're getting the full effect of what actually happened. Okay. Now, let's start from the very beginning of this. This was a brand new school. So, you know, anytime you're bringing your child that has autism to a new environment, it can be quite a transition. And you do what you can to make sure that they become acclimated as quickly as possible while making sure that they're comfortable, right? So that's what we did. We visited the school once or twice. I want to say it was close to two times before the beginning of the school year. One of those times consisted of open house. Now, this was the perfect time for us to meet with the teachers, meet with all of the staff that was going to be working with AJ. And we were able to do so aside from one person, and I'll give into that. But um, the first person we met was the instructional compliance coordinator. Now, let's take a brief pause here. I'm going to do my best to make sure that I am saying titles and not names for this, because I don't want to be hit with any type of cease and desist or legal document. You know how people get when they get a little and you know and a little tissy. So I'm gonna try my hardest. So, okay, now the first person we met and we saw was the instructional compliance coordinator. She was the head honcho in there. This is the person making sure that everyone within the special education world within this school is doing exactly what they were supposed to. And we met her out the gate and she was amazing. Y'all, she was so nice. She was warm and welcoming. She took us on the tour of the school, showed us exactly where we were supposed to go. The boys loved her. My two boys, my youngest one, even in school. And he took to her immediately, and he don't like nobody. He is truly a second born. But she gave us her cell phone number, told us to, you know, call her, text her if we had any issues. Y'all, she was amazing. She had already established contact. I was very, very impressed, you know. So we met her. We also had the opportunity to meet with his Jean Ed teacher. Now, he wasn't getting resource or anything like that. He was getting pullouts. It wasn't, I don't believe it was in a large room, resource room. I can't even remember that, that whole setup. But he was getting pulled out. He was in a Jan Ed setting at the time. And um his teacher, let me describe her as best as I can. I'm from the South. And when I think of her, I think of a Southern grandma. One of those tough love, I'm not gonna take no mess. You're not gonna talk to people any type of way. You're gonna respect me, but I'm gonna love you. That is the the kind of vibe that she gave us. And um, I didn't really think too much of it, but she was she was nice, she was very full of information, and um it that whole visit went well, you know? So fast forward to the first week or so of school, and it was very clear that um this teacher used certain strategies to reel her class in. She she liked to yell. She liked to yell. AJ came home a couple of times saying that she was pretty loud. She was yelling at the students to get their attention, to get them to calm down. And, you know, we've all kind of been in a class where a teacher yells, but for somebody like AJ, who is on the spectrum, that was the first sign of autism that I saw for him, was being very apprehensive and afraid when he was younger of loud noises. So it still makes him very uncomfortable. Now, in the meantime, between hearing this and speaking with someone, I simply told him to make sure he had his headphones on his person at all times. But I definitely spoke with the instructional compliance coordinator about it. And I had continued to speak with her over the course of a few weeks. Now, we also were able to bring up the conversation to the principal. And it wasn't anything like a, I'm gonna go over your head, we're gonna talk to the principal about this, but more so making him aware just in case we needed to switch classrooms for AJ, right? Now, we continued to speak with the instructional compliance coordinator. We also spoke with the principal, and we were speaking with the teacher as well. So we all settled on having a meeting, pretty much sitting down and talking about what our concerns were because AJ was coming home pretty regularly over the course of like a month or so, saying that this was not stopping and it was making him feel afraid and uncomfortable. So we sit down in the meeting and we talk it over. I also had some concerns about what was going on and what's if the IEP was being followed, which I'll get into that as well. But we seemed to come to a conclusion, a really good one. You know, she said she was going to be aware of her tone. The instructional compliance coordinator said that she would be checking in with AJ. And I was, I was satisfied. But uh maybe about a week or so later, by this point, it had been about a month and a half of this. AJ came home and he visibly looked away. And you know, as a mom, you know, when your child comes home and you can see their face, you know something's going on. And I knew immediately. And once he got situated, I told him he, whenever he's ready, he could talk to me, and he eventually did. And he told me that the teacher had gotten so upset with the class that she was yelling to a point where it had him in class shaking. Like that is how bothered and afraid he was. And not only was she doing that, but she was slamming her fists on the desks. He said that he was crying, he said that other students were crying as well. And I am not the type of person that is gonna go in a school or go on a class and knock the way the teacher does their job. But this is excessive. This was excessive. If you have to do all of that to control your students, maybe you shouldn't be teaching. That is my opinion. Because it's not like these were older elementary school kids. Even if they were, I don't think that is necessary. But these were littles, y'all. These were little kids, and you're doing that to intimidate them into submission. That is insane. So, of course, yes, I did. I went to that school, not as if we weren't going to the school regularly at this point, but went to the school and said, This, this has got to stop. Because he's afraid to, he's at this point, he was fearful to come to school. We were starting to have to coach him to come to school. So ultimately we settled on switching classes, and we thought that that would be the end of all of our troubles, our concerns. We thought we were wrong. We were wrong. Okay. So there was about a month and a half of that. And then after he's in a new class, there is a new child that he is exposed to. And this child liked to bully. Now, I don't like to talk ill of children because I do believe in a lot of cases, children are a product of their environment. And I'm not gonna get too far into that, but I only say that about this case because we had spoken with other parents after all of this was settled, and um, they had said in previous years their child was being either bullied or picked on or had been hit by this student before. So this is this is a recurring situation. But for AJ, this was something he had never experienced before. Now, I'm gonna speed this up. Over the course of about a month or so, AJ was being hit, he had gotten punched, he was being verbally bullied, and I had been between myself and my husband. We were going up to the school one to two, maybe three times a week about this situation, either speaking with the instructional compliance coordinator or speaking with the principal. My husband was literally on first name, a first name basis with the principal at this point. And I'm I'm that type of parent. I'm calling you Mrs. Such and Such. I'm not calling you by your first name out of respect, but they were on a first name basis. That's how often they were talking at this point. There was a window in that front office. Anytime they saw our car pull up to that roundabout, I know they were like, ah, damn. Because we were there so much. That's how often we were. And it took this happened over the course of about a month or so. This continued, continued, continued. And throughout all of that, we were told, we'll try to keep them. Separate, we'll keep an eye on them. That was their resolution for this. Then one day, I get a call from the school while AJ is there. And you know, anytime you get that call, and at least for me, when you get that call and you know your child is at school, your heart sinks. Because I know my son and I know how clumsy he is. He has hit his head on things, he has tripped over stuff. He is, it's yeah. So anytime I get a call, I know it's from the nurse. But this one was this one was different. It was the nurse. But I get that call and she goes through her spiel. Hi, Mrs. Jade. I have your son in my office. I have AJ in my office. He got hit in the head with a rock. And I'm like, is he okay? She said, yes, he he is okay, but he did get he did get hit in the head with a rock. There is a bit of swelling. Y'all. Immediately. Call it intuition, call it pattern recognition. I don't know what you want to call it, but I knew it was that little boy. I knew it was. Because people are not just, I don't care if you're people, kids, especially now. We're not just walking around getting hit in the head with a rock. You know what I'm saying? It's not like they're falling from the sky or anything like that. I knew this kid did it. You didn't even have to tell me. So the next question for me, after, of course, if he's okay, do you know what happened? And she says, No, I do not know what happened, but he is okay and he's good to go back to class. I said, Well, can you get me in touch with somebody who does know what happened? And she puts me on a brief hold. And in the in the meantime, when I am on hold, I am getting the number for his pediatrician because we're not going back to class after that. Absolutely not. Especially with everything that had been going on. I need documentation at this point. That's what we need moving forward. Because obviously this is not being taken seriously enough, right? So she gets back on the phone and um she said, there's nobody available. I said, okay, that is wonderful. I will be there in 10 minutes. I I at the time I'll I want to say I was. I was off work that day. I was at home. It it usually takes me about 10 minutes to get from the school to my house. I made it there at six. We we cut off an easy four minutes from that drive. And I was in there. And of course, like I said, I pulled up to the roundabout. They knew I was coming. The vice principal was at front and center at attention in the office, ready to talk. And I can't even remember what she said, y'all. I can't even remember what she said. But up until this point, she was very nice, very cordial. I was pissed. I was pissed. Of course, I gave AJ a once over and made sure he was okay. And lo and behold, he did have a knot on his head. He did. And again, no, I do not remember what was said. I do remember after this point, though, me and the vice principal were no longer on good terms. Keep in mind, we had been up to the school quite a bit, quite a few times because of the whole him being verbally accosted by a teacher on a regular basis. And because we're going into the school, we have to sign in. She's seeing us all the time. Oh, what's wrong? Asking us all the questions, and we're telling her. So I don't know if it was a matter of her just getting tired of us complaining or or what it was. But after this, after we spoke about him getting hit in the head with a rock, we were no longer on good terms. I don't remember how the conversation went, but I digress. Now, the solution of this doesn't come until after the IEP meeting, so sit tight. We'll we'll get to that. Okay. It's a it's a good, nice little solution. So the third thing, the third thing was kind of happening as all of this was happening. Can you imagine all this happening at the same time? The first incident with the yelling was about a month and a half. The second situation with the bullying was roughly about the same time because this happened between the months of August and November. And then this third situation was happening while all of this took place. And it was simply the IAP wasn't being followed. Right? He had services that he was supposed to be getting and he wasn't. They didn't have a therapist there for said services, and they didn't tell me. And when I tell you they didn't have a therapist, they hadn't had one in like months. So these minutes that he was supposed to be getting on a weekly basis, he was not getting, and I was not made aware of that. That is not in compliance. You can't do that, especially if you are not making up said minutes, which I didn't get any type of notification, any type of email, any type of nothing, that not only was there not a therapist, but that these needed to be made up, you know? And the person who's supposed to be giving you this information is your caseworker. Now, our caseworker, we could never find her. It was like, where's Waldo out here? The very first week of school that, well, prior to that, I tried to go find her to see if we could kind of meet. I'm the type of mom I need I need you to know who I am. I need you to know that I am an avid parent. My husband, too. He's going to all the stuff. We're going to all the stuff. But I want you to put a name with a face, and I would like to do the same. I couldn't find that woman for a week. I think it may have been two weeks. I was asking the gen ed teacher. I asked the instructional compliance coordinator. I'm asking for emails. Because up until this point, I'm so used to teachers and administrators and whoever's working with my child introducing themselves to me. But no, I had to go find her. And then finally, when we did meet, it was more so of a she's rushing to the carpool line. Hey, I'm Mrs. Such and Such. I miss, hold on. I'm Mrs. Caseworker. I was told that you wanted to meet. Hi, yes. My name is Jade. Nice to meet you. That was our first introduction. And that should have been, that should have been an indicator of how the rest of the school year was gonna go, because it was in fact how the rest of the school year went. I was requesting documents from her. I requested progress reports, any type of measurements of how goals were, I wasn't getting nothing. Which you can't do that either, you know? So all this was going on, I was requesting and speaking and and and talking to and visiting and y'all, it was so much. It was so much over the course of over the course of three and a half to four months. That was a lot. And then the one thing, because I can deal with that. I I can I can manage that. We can handle that, but the one thing that bothered me more than anything was that I started to see a change in AJ through all of this. And and and naturally so, if you're getting bullied like that in school, oh my gosh. Y'all, he wasn't eating, he started to regress, he wasn't sleeping. You know, I told you initially he was starting to not feel comfortable going to school. There was outright refusal to a point he was not, he wasn't doing it. The amount of mental health days that he had to take, he was losing weight because he wasn't eating. The things that he had already mastered, we noticed that he began to struggle with again. Um, and the things that he only struggled with maybe a little became intensely magnified. It was so hard seeing him go through this. And even if he wasn't aware, even if he was completely unaware of what was going on, I did not feel safe taking him to school. I didn't feel safe with him being in that school. But knowing that he didn't feel safe either, that added an additional layer. So that's I'm stressed because now I need to figure out how to protect my son. And I'm losing weight, my hair's falling out, my health. I honestly believe this was the beginning of the end of the decline of my health because I'm I'm chronically ill. I have a chronic illness at this point. And I that was like the first time where I noticed, like, okay, stress, stress will do it for you. So those were the three anchoring issues leading into this IEP meeting. Okay, now before the IEP meeting, we had our 38th, and I'm I'm exaggerating, but it felt like it, conversation with the instructional compliance coordinator. She has been, again, amazing up until this point. We're not seeing much progress with anything aside from him being moved out of the classroom, but we we wanted to meet with her nonetheless because of everything that had gone on. Before I walked into the class with her, she has her own office. Before I walked into that office, something told me to record this conversation. I don't know what. Of course, we as women have our gut instincts, the intuition, whatever you want to call it. I had it. But no, I didn't need to do that. This woman has been great. She texts me regularly, checks in on AJ, you know, asks how he's doing. She checks in on him in class and gives me updates. There's no way I needed to do this with her. So I overrode my intuition. Okay. So we go in, my husband's there with me. He sits down. I'm standing, we're talking lightheartedly, and then I bring up my concerns. I tell her, you know, this has been a rough year so far. This is going on, that is going on, you see this. I don't know what to do. And then, you know, she gives her opinion as well, and we're just talking. And then I say, along with several other things, that I don't feel that the IEP is being followed. I don't think that the IEP is being followed. And she said very clearly it probably isn't. She said it probably is not. So that's that's not something I want to hear. That is not something I want to hear from my son's instructional compliance coordinator. So we wrap up the conversation, end it with the pleasantries, and we leave. And after that, I took a couple of days to just think. So much was going on. So much. What do I do? I had some people that I knew that worked within the education system. I asked them for counsel, spoke with them, and um ultimately I decided to file a state complaint. And if you're unfamiliar with that, essentially that was me taking a legal route, asking the state, the state school department to step in. It was a formal request for them to investigate whether anything was wasn't within compliance. They were just ensuring that the school was compliant, right? I filed that complaint. And I also called an IAP meeting, which is this is this is where you see, we're getting there. We're getting there. I know. But why not? I had spoken with the instructional compliance coordinator several times. Hardly anything changed. I kept hearing reassurance that things would get better. They didn't. Yes, they switched his classroom. But now he's not getting accosted verbally every day, but he is getting physically and verbally accosted by another student. Like, what? What can I do? What else can I do? Principals involved, vice principals involved. I don't feel safe sending him to school. And on top of that, he is regressing. Oh no. No, no, no. So that is the lead up. That is everything that happened leading up to this IEP. And there are some things that I like to do before my IEP meetings just to make sure that I am prepared and I'm ready and just confident going into those. You know, you have your usals. You know, you read over your IEPs, make sure you're aware of the goals, accommodations, minutes, all of that. Reread it. I don't care how many times you've read it, read it again, you know? And then write down any questions that you have ahead of time. Of course. When you're in those meetings, it's intimidating sometimes. Sometimes they catch you off guard. Trust me, I know. And you lose things. I'm the type of person, I'll sit in front of a group of people and I will lose every single word that I had planned. Everything is gone for me. And then also get together any documents, any schoolwork, any supportive references, any evaluations you've done outside of school. Those are your typical things, right? But there are some things that I like to do for myself that get me kind of in that headspace. So you know how you feel confident if you're if you work within like a major company or something. You know how you have those like boardroom meetings and um you put on your best suit, whatever that looks like for you. All black, blue, red, those dominant colors, whatever. You you know how you feel your best and you feel your most confident and dominant when you wear things like that. When you when you look a certain way, you tend to feel a certain way, type of thing. That is me. And when I'm in these meetings, I feel my best when I wear a pair of Doc Martin boots. Those heavy ass combat boots, I love them. Shout out to Doc Martin. I'm you, I've I've got your boots, I'm wearing them for my IAP meetings. I dress it, of course. I dress it up, and it's it looks so nice. And I I wear those. Not as much now, you know. We're not on red alert in IEP meetings anymore, but at a there was a time. There was a time. My husband and I, we have gone into IEP meetings color coordinated, all black, one unit, one band, one sound. We're not playing with them. We're not, and I know that sounds funny, but I am dead serious when I say that it got me into a zone. Uh mentally. I don't know what it was, but it just it just did. And another thing, now this one might be funny, but it actually does work. There is a certain type of music I like to listen to while I am driving to said IEP meetings, okay? Firstly, on my playlist, Boozy, set it off. And if you don't know how that goes, listen to it. You'll you'll understand. And then the second song, harden the pain, walk a flocca. Yes, we are pre-gaming for IEP meetings. And if you sat through some of the meetings I've sat through, you would understand why. And if you have sat through some, you understand why. Hide me up, please. I need to get into this mental space to push out all of the anxiety. And I know it sounds crazy. I know it does. It may sound weird. Some people like to meditate, to calm down and prepare for stressful situations. I listen to trap music. It's it's it is what it is, you know. Do whatever, do whatever you need to to make sure that you are prepared. That is one thing I will tell you. Even if it is not something that is typical, do it. Because these meetings are intimidating, okay? Now, on to the main event. Setting the scene for you, okay? I went in the school. This is the IEP meeting. I went into the school with my doc marks on, heavy dark eyeliner, ready for what felt like was going to be a battle. And maybe I shouldn't have been so defensive going in. Uh, whatever, whatever. But do you blame me? Honestly, after hearing everything that I have gone through, do you blame me? Because I already knew. I knew between my husband and I going up through the school so many times, the interactions we've had with either the vice principal or somebody else, the sideways glances, and we were getting some by the end of this, we were getting some crazy looks. Between all of that, and then the icing on the cake was the steak complaint. Oh no, uh-uh. I knew. I knew what it was walking into this. I knew what it was. There was no way I was gonna walk into this expecting to hold hands with these people and sing kumbaya. No, we weren't gonna be doing that, you know? And and I brought an advocate with me too. I brought an advocate. Somebody that I had worked with and prior, and she had she was in the beginning stages of starting her advocacy business. Mm-mm. She warned me, I knew what it was. I knew what it was. So we walk into this small room. I was very familiar with this room. This was the same room that I met the instructional compliance coordinator in. But when we walked in, I was not prepared. Yeah, there were a lot of people in there. There were a lot of faces that I did not recognize. And I know I didn't recognize them, and nor was I prepared because I read the meeting notice. They send you a meeting notice usually to your email or they give you a tangible copy. I read that. I always read that because I'm nosy. I want to know, well, who's going to be in my meeting? There were extra faces in there. And that made it worse for me. My heart started pounding immediately because I'm like, who are these people? Why are they here? I don't like being caught off guard like that, especially if I take the necessary steps to prepare. And one thing I wish I'd known, and this is for you, if you were ever in this type of situation, you do not have to sit through a meeting like that. If there is somebody in that IAP meeting that you were not prepared for and they're introducing like new materials or evaluations or like uh they're going to or trying to implement changes, ask to reconvene. Because if you weren't prepared for them being there, chances are you weren't prepared for the information that they were gonna give you. Because that happens. So keep that in mind. For me, there was no way I was gonna I was gonna cancel this. I this this needed to happen. It needed to. But the one thing that bothered me out of that was that I gave them the information ahead of time. I told them I was bringing in an advocate, and I thought that they would at least return that favor and letting me know that there were gonna be additional faces in that meeting, and they didn't. I was wrong, but it's okay. It's okay because that's not even the worst of it. Okay. So continuing, we walk in, we sit down, and it is a noticeable difference from the beginning of the year. The warm greetings, gone. Those welcoming and inviting attitudes, gone. The tension, y'all, thick. You could cut it with anything. You didn't even need a knife. You could cut that tension with anything. And, you know, we go through our pleasant trees, we say hi to everyone, their dry highs, very monotone passive highs. And the one high that I thought I was gonna get that I didn't was from the instructional compliance coordinator. I was surprised by that one. But it's okay. We go through our formalities, everyone introduces themselves, or someone introduces other people. There were an additional three people behind us that were observing, they were from the district. And then we had a Zoom call with the Zoom lady. That's what that's what her name's gonna be, Zoom lady. And then four of her peers were there. Yeah, that was a lot of people. There were a lot of listening ears and a lot of watchful eyes in that meeting. So the intensity was up a bit, right? Now we get straight into it. We get into it, we start talking about everything that comes at the beginning of the IEP. They go over everything, make sure our contact information is there, turn the page, go through a little bit more. I do not know how we got on the topic of bullying, but we did. You could probably thank me for that. Don't know. It was a blur. I was, I was, I was already, blood was flowing, uh, adrenaline was going. Um, but when I brought it up, it was more so in a way that wasn't calling people out, but more so expressing my concerns, because this was continuing and continuing to happen. The Gen Ed teacher was the first to speak. And during that conversation, she made sure to let me know that the little kid didn't do it on purpose. Even though she didn't see him throw it, she only saw before and after. She did not actually see him throw it and the rock connect to AJ's head, but she knew that it wasn't intentional. Now, I'm not the smartest person. In the room, but I do pay attention to patterns and trends. And the pattern is this has been going on for weeks. This has been going on for quite a while. And it's not as if they don't know because I made them aware of it. AJ has two. So are we gonna really sit here and say that this didn't happen intentionally when this same child has not been leaving AJ alone? I don't buy it. Please don't gaslight me. So we talk through that, and as we work our way through the conversation, the vice principal, this is the one that doesn't like me too much, she chimes in and she essentially doesn't say anything other than doubling down on the Jen Ed teacher's report. You know, she said she read over it. There was a port a report that was written, she read over it, and you know, she doubled down. I'm doubling down on my stance as a parent, too. I'm doubling down on the fact that I'm concerned. I'm doubling down over the fact that I'm seeing behavioral changes in my son. And she's getting combative, y'all. She is getting outright combative. She's talking over me louder than me. She is, she is, she was cutting me off. And I, that is, don't cut me off. That is one of my biggest triggers, especially if I give you the respect enough to finish what you have to say. And all I'm doing, I'm not coming at you. I'm just trying to advocate for my son here. But I can feel the anger bubbling up slowly but surely. It is like a simmering pot at this point. I can just feel it. I have enough awareness to know where I'm, I'm, it's coming, you know, it's coming. So ultimately, the solution to that, because the advocate, she's doing an amazing job of not necessarily taking sides, but she's definitely that third party there. She is making me feel validated, but she's also trying to appease the school. You know, she did an amazing job of that. So ultimately, we decided on keeping the children separate. They would keep a closer eye on them and make sure they stayed apart. Don't y'all remember me saying that that happened? Which is funny. And not ha ha funny. Don't y'all remember me saying that they said that before?

unknown 46:28

They did.

SPEAKER_00 46:29

This was something that they were already supposed to be doing. So it's going to be more of the same. And if more of the same didn't work the first time, why do you think it's gonna work again? You weren't watching them enough because if you were, my son wouldn't have got hit in the head with a rock. But we continue, we continue, and somehow we do manage to get back on track, which is impressive because again, this was this was a heated discussion between me and the vice principal, right? So we started discussing IEP goals. We managed to get that far. Wonderful. And of course, with goals, you talk about the actual goal itself and you talk about how it's going to be measured. You measure a goal, your child does this 80% of the time, 90% of the time, three out of four attempts, all of these things. But naturally, I am asking, how will I know if this is being measured if I am not getting the requested documentation? And that question lands on the caseworker. So she's sitting right beside me, and I look to her and I ask her and I tell her, I have been asking for this, I have been requesting this, I am in the dark, I don't know how things are going, I don't know how he is progressing, all these things. Y'all, she's shaking. I see her shaking, and I get it. This is an intense moment. This is an intense meeting, and I felt bad. I felt bad. I don't think she was actually scared. I think that her adrenaline was gone because mine was too, because again, my heart is still thumping. It is still racing at this point. All everybody's on edge, and I get it. So she's going through her documentation and she's able to give me some answers for things, which is all I wanted. This is all I wanted. I've been asking for for a long time. However, there were certain questions that I asked that she was unable to answer, which was very, very concerning to me, especially since we're in this meeting, right? So we talk about things that we're gonna change as far as getting information to myself and my husband and how we're going to be involved across the board. And there's not going to be any moment where we feel blind about um his academics and stuff like that. And and I find this hard to believe for obvious reasons, but I turn my attention to the instructional compliance coordinator and I tell her, I don't know how comfortable I feel with this because of our previous conversation. And she says, you know, what exactly? She's she's confused. And I said, Do you remember when I was here last week? I told you, I said, I don't think that the IEP is being followed. And you said it probably isn't. Y'all, she looked at me and her response was I never said that. That's what she said. She said, I never said that. I looked back at my husband, he looked at me, and there was an instant, there was an instant connection there. He knew. He knew. He knew. I directed my attention back to her, and I said, Yes, you did. You did say that, and she goes, No, I didn't. You know, when you know yourself enough, and you can feel that anger kind of building, it had been building for me, but you you've reached the top. My ears were hot, and I don't feel that often. I only feel that when the anger has reached a certain point, and y'all, we were there. We had we have arrived at that point. I was so angry. And I said, I look back to my husband, I said, you were there. And he says, Jade, don't. And I turned back to her quickly, and he grabbed my leg under the table. He looks at me and he leans over and whispers, he says, Please don't. It's not worth it. We can't prove it. But you know what would have been able to prove it? If I would have played that voice recording that my intuition told me to make sure that I recorded. Always follow your gut. I will never, ever, ever stop saying that. Ever. And always, of course, if you're ever in a situation where you need to record, make sure that your local laws allow it. You know, I was in a one-party consent state. I could have done it. I had done, I had done it prior to that. But y'all, had I recorded that, I don't know if it would have made much of a difference, but she wouldn't have been able to say what she just said. I can't, I still can't believe after all of that, after all, like after the relationship we had built, she had been texting me. We, I thought, I thought we were good, y'all. But that was a lesson that I will never ever forget. And continuing on with the meeting, I checked out after that. I checked out. I had nothing else to say. I didn't because all credibility was gone for me. It didn't matter. Nothing else that they said mattered because I wasn't gonna sign the IEP anyways. I didn't trust it. I didn't trust them. I didn't trust anything. So to wrap this failure of a meeting up, the principal he says his final words. And to be honest with you, he was always very pleasant through all of this. He had seen us so many times, it felt like we lived there, felt like we were roommates. But through it all, um unlike some of the other teachers that we knew exactly how he felt, if he didn't like us, we wouldn't have known. I didn't know. I didn't know it. Because he was always able to remain respectful, professional. Through it all, it seemed as if he he had AJ as a focus the entire time, you know. He said all of his, I'm sorry that it ended up like this. And, you know, he was very apologetic. But after he said what he needed to say, the vice principal chimed in as if I wanted to hear anything else she had to say. But she had some words of her own. And it was very clear to me that she took offense to a lot of the issues that I brought up. It was clear, in my opinion, that's how I felt. And she she stated that she had been with the school for X amount of years, and she took pride in her school and the faculty, and some other words that I didn't particularly listen to. Because again, y'all, I was checked out, but I checked right back in when I heard her say, and I will always defend my school. That's what she said. Which you should, right? You should defend your school. But when you always defend your school, then where does the accountability step in if you're always defending your school? And that's exactly what this entire meeting consisted of. Me attempting to either get answers, advocate for my son, or just express my concerns and them being on the defense end. That's what it felt like. And at the end, remember the district lady, the one on Zoom? Yeah. At the end, this was the first time she has spoken since the very beginning. She asked if I wanted to continue with my state complaint. And I'm thinking to myself, why wouldn't I? I don't feel any better after this than I did before. I feel no better. I replied with my entire chest. Absolutely. Yes. Of course. And the assistant principal smacks her teeth. Loud enough for the entire room to hear. How unprofessional can you be? She did. She did. So I left that IAP meeting. Of course, like I just said, I didn't feel any better. Nothing had been resolved. I don't feel confident about a single thing. Nothing. Everyone's defenses were up. There was no collaborative effort at all, unfortunately. And I just wanted a solution. That's it. I just wanted a solution. And you can't really get that when you have a room that is on the defensive. Right? And it's not as if I'm insinuating, I'm not putting words in people's mouth. The vice principal literally said it. So you have it. Okay. Now that's how the IAP meeting went. Y'all, it's not even over. Bear, hang on, hang in with me, because there's more. Now, after the meeting, and now that I've had a chance to really kind of think about it a little more, I have been asking myself, now that I, this is this is a couple years ago, things are different. I'm not the same person. I'm not as I'm not as uh reactive as I used to be. And I think I heggled myself pretty well in that meeting, you know. But I don't know if that could have gotten it gone any better had I been more prepared. Because I always tell people to prepare for a meeting. I always tell people to make sure that they maintain a collaborative attitude. But unfortunately, with all of the issues that we were already having, I don't think it would have gone much better. You know, and when I say collaborative attitude, maintaining that through an IEP meeting, clearly that is easier said than done. But it truly can help under the right circumstances. These circumstances that I was I was under, they just were not the right circumstances. And more than anything, over all of this, over all the combativeness, the defensiveness, I never wanted things to turn out this way. I didn't. I pride myself on making sure that I have a good relationship with my children's teachers, you know, because ultimately I know anytime that you don't, or you have any type of like disagreements or something happens, you have to be concerned about how your child is being treated at school. You know? You have and you have to be a lot more vigilant when things like that happen. And I asked AJ several times, are they mistreating you? Is Miss Miss uh caseworker, is she being nice to you? Is the instructional compliance coordinator treating you okay? Has she said any? Like, I'm making sure I'm asking these questions through all of this and even after this, because he was, you know, he had to go back to school after this IAP meeting. He did. And even after I asked him those questions, he was all he had already been through enough. He had already been through enough. I did not want to make it worse, which is why I did not want this to happen. So to give you a conclusion of the whole bullying incident, um, something else happened. Something else happened. It wasn't uh physical, it wasn't another rock being thrown at him or anything like that. But the the bully threatened to kill AJ outright. He threatened to kill him. And when AJ came home, it was one another one of those days where I knew immediately something was wrong. And he said he was scared to go back to school. He said uh that the boy threatened to kill him. And uh that was it. That was the last straw for me. That was because I was livid at this point. I it took everything in my power. And it seems like all of these things always happen on Fridays when everyone leaves early and I can't get to who I need to get to, you know? But I had a little bit of time to calm down and think. Um, but I was still livid, you know. I was rightfully so, because we we had just had this IEP meeting. We talked about this, y'all. We we talked about this. You know, I wanted the adults in this room, the ones who were defending themselves. I wanted them to take what was happening to AJ seriously. I wanted them to figure out a way to protect him because I couldn't do it. I wasn't there. I wanted to feel safe sending him to school. I wanted him to be safe in school. That meeting could have resolved all of this before it got to this point. So it's a shame when I tell you I felt bad, but in a sense, I didn't when I told them I would be calling the cops. I sure did. I told them if anything else, and I sent it in a nice little email, because again, it's not like it's not, it's a Friday. It's not like I can get in touch with everybody. Everyone's got the weekend and they're gone. I sent a nice little email that will be right there in their inbox Monday morning. I told them, I said, if anything else happens to my son, I will be calling the cops and I will have them meet me at the school. We will talk about this together, the three of us. Okay, because it was clear they weren't taking his safety as serious as I was. And that threat was enough. Because we were able to, with the assistance from the district and everything else, we were able to get AJ in a new school. In a school that he felt safe in, that we felt safer taking him to every day, and it all worked out. So that was the conclusion. That is how that happened. And and honestly, this entire meeting, the whole situation was a learning experience. I learned to always C Y A. Cover yourself constantly. You know, I still have documents, I still have emails from them, I still have voicemails, I still have class dojo screenshots, I have all of it still, years later. But the one thing I didn't do to cover myself was follow my instinct. And I should have. I should have recorded that. You know, something told me to, I didn't. And also, no matter how comfortable you get with a teacher, no matter how close your child gets with them, they are not your friend, especially in a situation like this, because they will always protect themselves before they protect you. They will always protect themselves. You know, you have a few teachers who will do the right thing, who will tell the truth. You do have those teachers. I'm not saying that that is not out there, but in this situation, it taught me to make sure that I cover all my bases constantly because I can't expect people to do the right thing. I can't, not when it comes to my son. So that concludes IEP hell. That's my horror story. I hope that you have never gone through anything like that, and I hope you never have to. It is not fun, it is not anything that I recommend. But if you have ever experienced an IEP horror story and you'd like to share it with me, I would love to hear it. I would. I've heard some horror stories. I saw one about this other man having to not threaten to call the cops, but he called the cops. So if you have any stories that you want to get off your chest and you want to share, reach out. I'd love to hear it. I just saw that there is a feature. There is a feature on my Buzz Sprout page. That is how I host my podcast where you can leave me voicemails. So if you don't feel like typing all of it and you just want to tell me and get it off your chest, I would love to hear it. I am all for it. I love connecting with y'all. So again, that's my story. Tune in next month, November. Gosh, we're getting closer to the holidays. Can't believe it. But I enjoyed this. Thank you for listening to me. Take care of yourselves, please. If you participate in any of the spooky season festivities, please be safe. Please have fun. And until next time. Thank you for letting me share this with you. If you need more conversations like this, subscribe so that you're here for the next one. And if you know a mom who needs to hear this, send it her way. See you next month.